Old friends- New thoughts

Meeting old friends - some thoughts

This week has been amazing, I got in touch with several (5) old friends and I thank Facebook for it. Some friends from IIT days and some even go back to school days.

The dynamics of reconnecting & trying to re-establish that bond of earlier times was interesting to observe. At times feelings swung from heart warming to awkwardness and then back to heartwarming.

Meeting in person was lot easier and enjoyable compared to interacting through emails etc. Though I met only one friend in person, others (4) were contacted electronically

I have always felt that communication which takes place through letters, emails, phone has a lot of scope for mis-communication.

The reason for this is :
Person A wants to communicate 'feeling-A', to do so uses words 'msg-A'
Person B reads/listens 'msg-A' and interprets it as 'feeling-B' based upon own conditioning (emotional-psychological journey till that moment)

Now if 'feeling-B' is anywhere close to 'feeling-A' then communication is taking place otherwise only misunderstandings take place.

This confusion can happen in any of the interactions that we have one to one with our family, friends or other contacts.

In case of meeting old friends there is a much greater chance of this happening, as the person you relate to has moved on and so have you. So the two people meeting now are two new people, whose connecting point is that old memory of shared times. I say new people because we as individuals transform so much with time. Each of us carry lot of memories of good and bad experiences and have developed our own personality traits, we have our own defense mechanisms. So say after 10-15 years when two friends meet, then it will take some time to get to know each other afresh, so initially there is awkwardness.

Things can get very complicated in case of a (letter/email & even phone) communication with an old friend with whom you have not been in touch for a long long time. In person, one is able to observe the person and interact on basis of these observations, but in case of these other modes of communication, one has no way of knowing how the other person is interpreting your 'msgs'?

And the matters get worse if two 'long lost friends' interacting through email-phone are male & female. Then you've had it. The possibility of having mis-communication is guaranteed 99%.

With all this confusion taking place I sometimes wonder then what is the purpose of contacting old friends? If all the 'good old memories' are going to be replaced with feeling of awkwardness and confusion.

A few things about 'old friends' that i am interested in knowing are:
1) There well being.
2) Their view point on their journey in life
3) Their motivations & drives
4) Their Achievements
5) Their contribution towards, family < society < Planet

This is my area of interest, if this is addressed in a conversation with a friend then I am more than happy, though usually we only scratch the surface.

Most of the time I do end up talking other stuff, like entertainment, work, indulgence etc but these don't hold my attention for long.

A few things that I would like to share with my old friends are same as what I want to know from them, but i understand that these might not be their concerns. So for sharing i stick to what i am asked.

In case you are wondering what about the old bonding that was felt earlier, can it be brought back? My opinion is that bonding develops with being together in living, so till the time that does not happen again the bonding will not come back. No amount of emails, phone calls, meet-ups can generate the bonding which is developed through living together. Evidence can be seen in any household, any hostel and even in workplaces at times.

Actually this issue of Bonding needs more attention, I will address that in a different post.

Inherent Goodness of Being

There is a difference in something/event/someone appearing good - अच्छा दिखना, feeling good - अच्छा लगना and actually inherently being good - अच्छा होना.

Some things can appear good, but might not feel good nor be good - e.g. Living in a concrete house in hot or cold weather.

Some things can appear good and feel good but are not good e.g. A child suffering from a sore throat eating ice cream or fitting an air-conditioner in a concrete house to overcome weather conditions.

Some things might not appear good nor feel good but still might be inherently good. e.g. A house lizard (gecko) or taking some very bitter medicine...

Some things can appear good, feel good and even be good. e.g Living in a mud house or growing and eating organic food or producing and wearing natural fabrics.

Actually in my opinion, looking good or feeling good is not a value in itself. Value is only in the inherent goodness of being. If one observes oneself, then one can see that there are a lot of things for which one has acquired a liking. Both appearing good and feeling good are fundamentally a function of liking. Why does one start liking or disliking something? Does everyone have different likings/disliking? What is the reason behind liking some things and disliking other things. By 'things' it might mean objects, events or even people.

Liking/disliking = conditioning

When I see this phenomenon in myself I find I like those things for which I have acceptance and I dislike those for whom I have no acceptance. Which means that my liking and disliking is a function of my conditioning.

inherent goodness of being = Value = मूल्य

If one starts seeking the 'inherent goodness of being' then one's whole approach changes. Take the example of food. Right now, one might like certain kinds of foods and dislike other kinds. However, if one started seeking the inherent goodness in the food, then one would first look at the purpose of food, which is obviously nutrition. When one has realized that the purpose of food is nutrition then one will only seek nutrition. In fact, I have found when one starts seeking the 'inherent goodness of being', then everything else becomes relevant in its light.

'Inherent goodness of being' is determined by the purpose of that thing in relation to its surrounding and also with itself. Purpose is evident at the very fundamental level. Continuing with the example of 'something to eat', one needs to look at this 'thing to eat' as fundamentally being food, then only is one able to see its purpose, which is nutrition. 

Purpose is only evident in relationships, there is no purpose in isolation. There nothing in existence which is in isolation, everything is in a network of relationships. when we seek purpose, then we are seeking it in reference to ourselves, therefore it only makes sense to seek the purpose in relationship of that thing with oneself.

In food, whenever I am aware of the 'inherent goodness of its being' then all I seek is nutrition, and at this time everything nutritional starts tasting great. 

The current mode of life is too focussed on everything appearing good and/or feeling good; hardly any attention goes into finding the 'inherent goodness of being' in that thing/person/event.....