Meeting old friends - some thoughts
This week has been amazing, I got in touch with several (5) old friends and I thank Facebook for it. Some friends from IIT days and some even go back to school days.
The dynamics of reconnecting & trying to re-establish that bond of earlier times was interesting to observe. At times feelings swung from heart warming to awkwardness and then back to heartwarming.
Meeting in person was lot easier and enjoyable compared to interacting through emails etc. Though I met only one friend in person, others (4) were contacted electronically
I have always felt that communication which takes place through letters, emails, phone has a lot of scope for mis-communication.
The reason for this is :
Person A wants to communicate 'feeling-A', to do so uses words 'msg-A'
Person B reads/listens 'msg-A' and interprets it as 'feeling-B' based upon own conditioning (emotional-psychological journey till that moment)
Now if 'feeling-B' is anywhere close to 'feeling-A' then communication is taking place otherwise only misunderstandings take place.
This confusion can happen in any of the interactions that we have one to one with our family, friends or other contacts.
In case of meeting old friends there is a much greater chance of this happening, as the person you relate to has moved on and so have you. So the two people meeting now are two new people, whose connecting point is that old memory of shared times. I say new people because we as individuals transform so much with time. Each of us carry lot of memories of good and bad experiences and have developed our own personality traits, we have our own defense mechanisms. So say after 10-15 years when two friends meet, then it will take some time to get to know each other afresh, so initially there is awkwardness.
Things can get very complicated in case of a (letter/email & even phone) communication with an old friend with whom you have not been in touch for a long long time. In person, one is able to observe the person and interact on basis of these observations, but in case of these other modes of communication, one has no way of knowing how the other person is interpreting your 'msgs'?
And the matters get worse if two 'long lost friends' interacting through email-phone are male & female. Then you've had it. The possibility of having mis-communication is guaranteed 99%.
With all this confusion taking place I sometimes wonder then what is the purpose of contacting old friends? If all the 'good old memories' are going to be replaced with feeling of awkwardness and confusion.
A few things about 'old friends' that i am interested in knowing are:
1) There well being.
2) Their view point on their journey in life
3) Their motivations & drives
4) Their Achievements
5) Their contribution towards, family < society < Planet
This is my area of interest, if this is addressed in a conversation with a friend then I am more than happy, though usually we only scratch the surface.
Most of the time I do end up talking other stuff, like entertainment, work, indulgence etc but these don't hold my attention for long.
A few things that I would like to share with my old friends are same as what I want to know from them, but i understand that these might not be their concerns. So for sharing i stick to what i am asked.
In case you are wondering what about the old bonding that was felt earlier, can it be brought back? My opinion is that bonding develops with being together in living, so till the time that does not happen again the bonding will not come back. No amount of emails, phone calls, meet-ups can generate the bonding which is developed through living together. Evidence can be seen in any household, any hostel and even in workplaces at times.
Actually this issue of Bonding needs more attention, I will address that in a different post.
1 comment:
I agree, the journey through the reconnecting process can sway from heart warming to awkwardness. It starts with being exciting then can lead to confusion to miscommunication. With so much time elapsed, there can be many factors contributing to this miscommunication. People evolve, learn and change over time, especially when you are talking 10-15 years. Where you are in life- physically (location), spiritually as well as emotionally, also may affect this. In my experience, I have seen that being in different parts of the world, changes your social expectations, communication "technique" i.e. choice of words, whether it be email, letter or face-to-face. This does not make one style of communication better than the other, just different. What might be perfectly acceptable for one person, may make the other go Huh!, what, you did not just say that. :)) Also, the expectation of both these people may be different for this "reconnection". Another reason for miscommunication could be that people are busy and may not be as quick in responding and since you are reconnecting after so long, the chances of misinterpreting this as "ignoring" are much higher. But I guess, laziness/procrastination/lack of interest should also be taken into account :). Having matured and grown as a person, especially spiritually means a lot to me. If you are still "stuck" in your school years, then I have a hard time keeping the back and forth going for long. Oh! I do enjoy reminiscing but would love to know about your experiences since. I agree with your areas of interest with old friends but I also do like to know about the “other stuff” because it gives me a more complete idea of who this person is now.
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